When my daughter came home from school to find her pet rabbit missing she looked everywhere for it,
Eventually asking me, "Where can he be?"
" Maybe you should look somewhere where there might be carrots" I suggested
"That's a good idea" she replied
"And peas, onions and gravy" I added as I dished up stew for dinner.

10 years ago  

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

10 years ago  

Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket I always tell her to park in the disabled space.
After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her.

10 years ago  

I was starting my new job at the chemist this morning when some guy walked in.
"I've got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it's going to explode." he said, "Have you got anything?"
I said, "No mate, I feel fine."

10 years ago  

Some people can be so unnecessarily rude.
Take this morning for example. My new neighbours knocked on my door to introduce themselves and I told them to f**k off.

10 years ago  

Why did the blind man cross the road?
Because his Labrador was chasing a cat.

10 years ago  

My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers.
I didn't even know she sold them.

10 years ago  

My son just asked me what is it like to have children.
So I interrupted him every five seconds until he cried.

10 years ago  

I asked my son what he wants me to get him for Christmas.
He said, "Google Glasses!"
I said, "OK, and I know what glasses are."

10 years ago  

Q: Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.

10 years ago  

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta ..

10 years ago  

A dyslexic man walks in to a bra.

10 years ago  

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.

10 years ago  

Apparently being a mother is the hardest job in the world. They're probably right.
I can definitely see brain surgeons struggling to put Frozen into a DVD player.

10 years ago  

Is Google a woman? I can't even finish a sentence without it coming up with other suggestions.

10 years ago